Why do I have new subscribers?!? *face palm*

I moved. http://jadeempress.blogspot.com/

Okay, I'm NOT going to update xanga anymore...I've been thinking about deleting this site. I just don't have the balls (of the golf variety) to do it yet.

Adios,
KC

Here's your fix of KC. J/k.

I remember Fish & Jenn telling me, “I know you will find someone in about a month.”  I didn’t believe them.

Me: I’m NEVER going to find anyone! *sulk, cries* Tell me I’ll find someone better!

Fish: You learn, so of course you will. You’ll find someone LOTS better.

Then along came Mr. K…

So yesterday, I told Jenn the same thing.

Jenn: I’m NEVER going to find anyone! (She just sorta broke up w/ Mike.)

Me: You’ll find someone it a week. I have NO worries for you.

For me, it takes roughly a month. For Jenn, a week...max. She's a little heart-breaker.

Every time I look at this picture...I start cracking up. I remember why we were laughing, too...

Some gripes & thoughts:

-I think I’m a really embarrassing person.  I don’t know why I actually have friends.  Por ejemplo, my rolling briefcase is SSOO laden w/ books…it rolls over…*face palm* I get a lot of sympathetic stares and bravado men who want to help me.

-The HIGHER the food chain (in terms of intellect), the LOWER the physical attributes. Go figure.

-All guys tell me the same thing. “I want a natural beauty. Not a lot of make-up. And someone smart!”

-What I tell every guy who tells me that, “What makes you think this naturally beautiful intellect will go for you?” Of course, I try to say it in the most condescending, patronizing, belittling way possible…

-I have to STOP spending so much on food. As Jenn said, “I feel sorry for anyone who dates you. You eat a lot.” I said, “SO do YOU!” Jenn eats WAAAAAY more than I do. 

-I notice that a TON of people gain weight after high school, college, law school…I hope that NEVER happens to me.

-I probably burn my fingers 3 times a week getting bread out of my toaster. Either I have fat fingers or am really impatient…

-I want to hug every single girl who has really badly shaped eyebrows, especially thin ones. 

-Comfort and decent-looking shoes have an inverse relationship. The more comfortable, the uglier...*pooop*

           -I've been trying to find some really comfortable tennis shoes, so I can skidaddle across the law school, but NO such luck! The comfortable ones are so ugly!! Should I forsake beauty at the price of comfort? Hrm...decisions, decisions!

-I’m seeing my brother this week! I haven’t seen him for almost a year!! Yay!

-I am considered an Alumnus at my law school!! Wheeee! Seven more months ‘til my JD!!

-No more school for me after that…I think I’m all degreed-out. I can’t believe I ever thought about getting a PhD…thank goodness!

-For someone who doesn’t smile a lot, I sure do have FAT cheeks.  Maybe I should stop eating so much, maybe that’s why…

-Went w/ Tina to get some yellowtail collarbone and ingredients…cuz I actually want to learn to cook…hopefully, I’ll post some “Food Network” quality pics up…and not make a burnt mess out of it!

Everyone loves my black hair...a more sophisticated grown up look...

Jenn is such a great eating partner!! I love eating w/ her b/c we leave each other alone for the first five minutes...and then we start talking.
  

Have a fantastic week!

KC

The more I talk to Mr. K, the more I like him…but being w/ someone like him is a new order of complication, a new level of hardship—something I do not fully comprehend just yet. His load of responsibility seems to solar & lunar eclipse that of mine…and anyone else I know.

I have yet to meet anyone like him…so resoundingly self-deprecating, so full of surprises, so hilarious (makes me laugh so easily and effortlessly)…and yet so BUSY!  I can tell that Mr. K likes me (some mutual recognition) as he’s willing to take time off to see me, but I don’t know if his time is enough for me (as time spent together is so important, especially in this context).

I asked him if he was going to call me when he’s in Taiwan, Shanghai, and Hawaii.  

Mr. K: “Why? Are you going to miss me already?”

Me: “Don’t inject your subjective interpretation into my objective question! And don’t answer a question w/ a question!”

He laughed.

On the way to Sunday mass with my dad, I said, “Dad, I’m so happy I found Mr. K.”

Dad: Your heart is like a container. It cannot be empty; it must be filled.  I’m happy for you…

            *Perhaps, this is where I get my extra cheesy-ness from…

I feel only blessed.

Some updates:

-Congrats to Phuong & Diego! He's out of the Navy. I'm soo happy for both of them.

-I'm slowly beginning to get sick of GoldenSpoon (*gasp*).

-I sleep WAAAY too much. 9.5 hours a day!! Urghhh.

-Just before I sleep, I have a (really bad) habit of eating a bowl of cereal, two english muffins with cream cheese, or ice cream. I brush my teeth of course!

-Jenn wins for hottest "Supervisor"...

-The undergraduates are starting school this Thursday. My commute time is going to succckk!

-I wonder what I'm going to be for Halloween this year--I'm thinking: Mermaid, Marilyn Monroe (so old), Snow White (lame), or ______? I should go as myself...that should be plenty scary. 

Exactly one year ago...versus now. Perhaps, more wisdom lines...and of course, the hair.
vs.

 
The best part of my day:
Just when my spine is about to collapse, when my head seems weighted with law analyses, when tomorrow’s anxieties loom large…and just when I am physically exhausted and mentally drained, the moment when my back touches my mattress, everything disappears.  This sense of relief –even if for a split-second—is the best part of my day.

What’s yours? 
KC

Brunch at this dim sum restaurant. I don’t really like dim sum, but I chose it b/c it’s convenient and can handle a lot of girls “squealing” and “giggling." 

Pictures (w/ captions by yours truly):

M, L, P, H. You have your future JD, DMD, MAEd., and MSW <--figure those out!
 
Jules (far left) just got off work. She was working a straight 24-shift at the hospital, but she surprised me and came!!

Sue (left): We met at a sorority party in college. We hated the sorority, but we remained friends. She is caring, thoughful, and understands me so well! We're traveling together!! Phuong (right): I met her in 4th grade and played jump-rope with her. I remember when she had long curly hair and shorts that hit her knees. She's very charming & gets along w/ everyone!

Lime (left): met her in 6th grade. She was a math GENIUS. This girl can draw (she's won competitions). When I start laughing with her, I cannot stop. She helped me get through my first year of law school. Jules eating (right): met her in HS in AP English Lit. We ate and talked and we got along really well (that's what we still do). Fish (blue shirt): the APPLE of my eye. I owe her everything. She is the most caring, thoughtful, considerate, and loving person I know. She made my cake!! She is my soul-mate. Everything I buy, I buy for her. She is a giver, not a taker/receiver (it's her weird personality trait)...gosh, I really, really love her
 
Marian: Met her in Civil Procedure and Lawyering Skills. Men love her.
 
Banana: my cousin. We take e/o out on "dates" and trash-talk on men...it's really fun!! I am one of the few people on this planet to understand whatever that escapes her lips. She = weird. Thao: my very first best friend. We met e/o in kindergarden...I spoke Vietnamese and she spoke English. She taught me what it takes to be a best friend (and a whole slew of vocabs).

Joyceness: our friendship has been some rough patches, but in between, a lot of giggles, support, and love. She = dimples! 

And yes, I do have really ugly pictures, too.

I finished the cake with Fish. It got melty really fast, too

 
Jenn, my other half who couldn't make it and Gracie (in Mammoth). Jenn is quintessentially my partner-in-crime. I talk about her all the time b/c she's everything good about me only 10 times better. I'd marry her in a heartbeat!  All of these people/girlfriends/future bridesmaids represent a different part of my personality. They are all the gems of my life (even though some are missing).
 

In pathetic news: Ever since my visit to the ER, I have to be extra careful with what I consume.  After all that food, I felt tired, had a migraine, and was trying not to vomit the whole day.  NO FAIR!!! *scratch, scratch* I’m allergic to so many things, I can’t even count them on my fingers anymore!! Argggghhh. I can't even eat most foods unless it’s 100% organic or super healthy or home-made with no MSG or preservatives.  If I start eating my 6^th shrimp, I immediately get itchy…and I really, really like shrimp hacao and those thin rice rolls with shrimp. *sigh* Woe is the foe of my consumption! *scratch, scratch*

Dear STALKER, Please FUCK off!! I cannot believe you impersonated me. You seriously have no life! I have NO respect for anyone who endangers me or my friends. DO NOT fucken harass her and do NOT take my identity again…you fucken no-life POS.  GET OFF MY XANGA.

In better news: I’m very happy with the way my life is going right now  Let’s hope it continues its trajectory curve!! I hope to be in yours prayers.
<--Seafood hot pot night with the family!! Argula, spinach, sea bass, scallops, and shrimp!

Back to (some) studying, hanging out w/ my parents, seeing my awesome girlfriends (again!), and getting all teary-eyed from all the texts, e-mails, and facebook messages/comments  

KC *scratch, scratch*

With family and friendship and more,

Turning this year, year 24,

I see that…

To appreciate the beauty of a Monet

One must stand…at least, five feet away.

As humans, we tend to see the pixel and not the image, the paint strokes, not the Monet. The everyday grind, the minutiae of ‘problems’, they all surface before we recognize and understand the reasons why . . .  we must continually believe.

In hindsight, I see the problems that unfolded as one of mere continuance, of old habits and lingering ghosts.  Sure, one can be objective about it, strip it of its emotional content, and write an exegesis about the inevitability of it all.  But when subjectively inside, when experiencing the every-day drudgery of life, when made a party to a situation, one can see the hardships it takes . . . to continually believe.

And then it seems clear (at least to me):

“Success is my only motherf*ckin’ option,

Failure is not.

So here I go is my shot.
Feet fail me not cause maybe the only opportunity that I got.”

* * * *

Reggae Sunday Fundays w/ my awesome friends!! Jenn loves Reggae! We danced so much, I nearly fell down...sweaty, hot, and full of fun! Unfortunately some of the men = yuck. Your Ferrari does NOT compensate for your age, desperateness, and Napolean Complex. Short men w/ compensatory personalities = no-no.

Every group of girls needs a bathroom picture! I actually have my ID stuffed in my...er...nvm.

I love 'em! Jen, Gracie, and Jenn!! Jenn = HOT.
 
I can "strike a pose" anywhere...

 
I actually don't like that guy (right picture)...he is so annoying!  Notice the awkward distance...

  
Overall: I LOVE my awewsome friends!

 
The love of my life!! Jenn from my block. And Fish-sticks!: I love her...please send her your best wishes! You can do it, Fish!  

I am very happy I have such great friends. I will be seeing them this weekend to celebrate! I have 15 girl-friends I simply cannot live without. (That's a LOT of bridesmaid dresses. )

Ever since I went "back on the market," I've received a lot of requests from my guy friends to "hang out"...unfortunately, my (lame) excuse: studying. One is very persistent, and it annoys the bejeezus out of me!! What to do...

I want to say so much more but I shall save it for the next post!  Promise!!

To God's many blessings and all the wonderful things happening!

KC

Growing up, I was really self-conscious about my physical appearance (hey, aren’t we all?). It didn’t really help that I was the youngest and stuck out like a sore thumb.  I had what my brother called, “African, thick lips.”  My sister told me, I had “bug eyes.”  My siblings were ruthless (they still call me those names).  I remember crying to my dad, “Am I adopted? Did you really find me in a trash can?”  He always comforted me…

Yesterday as my dad was preparing for a wedding, he said, “Ti-ti (littlest one), you are very smart and beautiful.* One day you will marry someone who is equal if not better than you.”

            I choked back tears—b/c lately, I feel everything but beautiful—constant studying, reading sections of the IRC (boring!), and stress can get to you.

I told my parents when I was younger, “One day, I’m going to marry both of you and we can all live happily ever after!” (Youthful innocence, no?)   I still feel like that . . .

Notice: hideous undereye bags. I can't get rid of them...and I sleep a lot!!!

In other news:

Estate Planning is a very difficult course. I don’t understand the mechanics of a GRUT, GRAT, or GRIT*! 

            *grantor retained annuity trust, grantor retained unitrust, and grantor retained income trust

My tax professor is a genius. He writes tax issues for fun.  He remembers sections of the Code for fun. Do you know how many sections of the Code that is?!?!! He told us, "I'm helping the family of a pop star who just died, so they can solve their estate tax problems." He deals only with estates in excesses of millions and billions. He's also taking us to a basketball game, so I sorta have a soft spot for him.  Oh right, he does tax problems in his head!! Have you seen that?!? How can I ever be a genius like that? *pooooey*

Whoever invented (re-invented) vitamins into Flintstones gets kudos from me. I love it. My sensitive palate is now at peace with vitamins.

My favorite eyeshadow: I think my brother is just jealous of my lips!

Stir-fried bok-choy & veggies my mom made me. She is so healthy! I love her.

On a more serious note: I do have a problem w/ real-life stalking.  I go home some days and I want to cry. It frightens me. I have had men follow me around and around the store…everywhere I go.  I went to buy waffles, cheese, syrup, look at backpacks and luggage, and everywhere I go I see one white guy’s face.  There is a zero chance a guy would look at all those things (cheese, waffles, syrup, backpack, luggage, and wedding cards) in the same order at the same time as I was. This happens to me at the store, at Albertsons, and at this local food market.  I only ask that if you read my xanga, please know it’s not that I don’t want to tell you, I really just can’t.

I also have the right to bear arms (as recently interpreted by the Supreme Court)—and a good aim

KC

Yes, I can post more pictures (you can look away). No, I don't have photoshop. What you see is (unfortunately) what you don't wanna get. Yes, my skin is really that freckly. No, you can't ask my mom for her number. But yes, you can have my dad's number b/c he likes to get to know people.

I’m moving. I need to (actually) move. New place; different scene.

I need to get a netbook. I have my eye on the perfect one.

I need to read/prepare for classes. 

I vow never to suffer the consequences of food poisoning again. It’s frustrating what it’s doing to me

I need to be engaged in what I’m doing. None of this ‘distraction’ stuff.  It’s internal sabotage!

I vow to make it as an attorney…9 months from now.

I need to love this; it’s the path I’ve chosen—the route I’m taking.

I’m grateful for all this. Thank you everyone for their encouragement, love, and questions/comments. Cheese whiz

KC

My body physically shut down yesterday... After I vomited for the eighth time and was on the floor dry heaving, my dad carried me to the emergency room. 

I don’t know what’s more terrible—the fact that when the nurse injected the IV in me—all I could think was “I can’t stay here; I have a test on Monday!” or “Kill me now. I am in so much pain.”  I was ordered to be on painkillers and nausea medicine, both of which I vehemently refused.  I'm on a liquid diet--which is good b/c everything else makes me nauseous. Gatorade is my friend.

Lesson of the decade: I will always remember how yesterday felt and how terrible/disgusting I feel today. I will remember that my parents were with me in the ER at 3AM.  I will never let this happen to me ever again.  There is only up from here.  I will remember this...

I feel so completely drained…I blame myself for all this.

KC

As painful as it was to write the prior post, it was my reality and very much a part of me. 

You see, I’ve witnessed much in my 23 years.  I’ve seen what would make grown men cry…the filth, the stench, and the cries of children in the communes of Thailand (via US)—sleeping on thin blankets next to strangers, boiled eggs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, the communal showers, the dirty spigot where you were apportioned your ration of water.  I’ve seen rats scattering across communal rooms as I lived inside (with NO views) for three weeks in the year of 1991. I’ve seen my childhood apartment flood on numerous occasions as I attempted to dry my clothes. I’ve seen men and women in the factory-shops—visions that still haunt me, visions of my mother hovering over a sewing machine, her hands shaking but her face—always serene . . . I’ve seen life—at its worst.  I’m sorry words fail to convey what lithified images cannot utter.

Yet at 23, I am still painfully simple (average, at best) and embarrassingly naïve…it’s a priceless resilience—never to let this past hinder my future.

I see the sacrifices that my siblings made in life—to let me have mine.  My father—my best friend since childhood.  Nothing anyone says/does can ever anger him.  He has seen much in his life—war, famine, and brutality.  He has survived three years in prison under the Viet Cong (euphemistically, the Communist “re-education camps”)—where a handful of rice was worth a day’s meal and where peace was the exception and violence, the norm.  If you’ve read the horrors of war—the aftermath of April 30, 1975 and the indoctrination of loving Uncle Ho (in my young mind), you would have seen nothing.  My father is my #1 fan and the reason why I work so tirelessly—day in and day out.

I’ve debated the sociological after-effects of post-war VN with my professor.  He, a Caucasian UCLA graduate—experiencing Saigon only through the lenses of the media in the 70s & 80s.  I grew up in post-war Vietnam—when you were hush-hush about the ARVN, loved Uncle Ho, and feared that some VC leader’s kid didn’t hate the way you walked. 

Most of all—I see my mom’s love.  If you have yet to meet a strong Asian matriarch, please meet my mother.  With her hands alone, she fed this entire family for over 13 years—and gave me everything. I am only a smidgen of the woman my mother is—beautiful, stately, and a leader in her own right.   I can only hope my children see their grandmother in such a light . . .

Growing up, I’ve been judged countless times from my appearance.  It’s been made abundantly clear to me that “Gee, you don’t look or sound like a Fob.  You must be mixed.”  (a justification for my Anglo-looks—as the black sheep in this family, and impeccable English—something I mimicked effortlessly but did not fully understand until 4^th grade) Whether I wanted to jam my fingers in ignorant eyes or be thankful for my acceptance was, indeed, a double-edged sword.  I wanted to yell, “No! I don’t work in the rice paddies, you idiot. We are not all flat-nosed, chinky-eyed brown folks!”  Unfortunately, I’m much more of a wimp than that . . . and at that age, acceptance was more comforting than having no friends.

* * *

I simply ask that you not judge or underestimate the life experiences of others, as they may be more powerful than your own. I’ve never made anyone feel sorry for me or recognize me in any way.  On numerous occasions, I’ve declined to share my life story or sanitize it beyond its reality—in school, to acquaintances, and during friendly conversation.  Indeed, my life could have been simpler, much like the life of those I've heard, but I would not be the woman you see today—blessed, all-around optimistic, and determined in every way.

As my professor once told me, “K____, you are the strongest person I have met in my 50+ years.”  Unlike her, I have met stronger people—the other four members of this family. 

KC

I’m sorry for not replying to messages, comments, etc.  I have the MPRE this Friday. Egad!

Human free will and fate have a very complex relationship; one in which planned destiny cannot untangle and the human mind cannot fight.

Dad: “Your mom and I are the #1 signs (Chinese horoscopes) that should never be together. We are total opposites in every single way, yet I could not be happier. Relationships require work.  Everyone argues, but the test and success of one is overcoming those difficult arguments.”

Mom: "Your dad and I fought constantly when we were first married, then you realize, it is not worth it to fight when you care about each other so much."

Dad: “Every relationship requires a stable foundation.  Mine was your mom. You haven’t reached a mutual level of understanding, of stability, or of strong emotions.  One day, you will, and it will all make sense.” Commence enlightening music…

Me: (thinking) Great…all this philosophical, Asian-parent advice (read: obscure life comments) makes me more puzzled than ever.

* * *

I feel a bit overwhelmed.  I tried leaving the house (for dinners, yogurt runs, and various random events/outings with friends, and seafood hotpot nights with my extended family), but the guilt I have for leaving work grows with each minute (payroll project, need to read my outlines, need to study for three tests, MPRE, Moral Determination, need to finish the online application, need to, need to, need to!).

Bah. Humbug. Life stinks.